Snow
by Midnighttomoscow
Summary: There once was a girl who travelled through time to fulfill a destiny she had no choice in. Once her destiny has been sealed is she able to chmge it? Only time and realization will allow her to break free from the ties that bind her. Rating for lemon. Please read and review!


**A/N:** Here it is, after a very very long hiatus. Read and review please.

 **Snow**

"I'll be fine going on my own…" I say in finality, shouldering my backpack.

"Take some form of protection at least" Sango tosses me my bow and quiver.

"Of course!" Laughing softly, I brush a strand of hair from my face.

"I won't be gone long Sango I promise." I hold onto her gaze for a moment, trying to will her to feel calm in my absence.

"I would come with you bu-" I cut her off.

"You have children to take care of, I can go and fetch herbs on my own. I don't like it when we run low on things." I brush passed her, refusing to let her talk me out of this.

It's not a total lie, our supplies are pretty low and I hate letting Jinenji go all alone and collect them. I can feel my heart lurch in excitement at the thought of getting away for some time as well. The thought of being alone with my thoughts was something that drew me.

No responsibility, no one needing me, I just need time alone to think.

It was coming up on five years since the destruction of the jewel, this was supposed to be a happy time. But something inside of me aches terribly and I need to figure out what it is.

"Please be careful priestess…" The villager let her voice trail quietly. She startles me, I look at her for a moment before tugging my hood over my head and giving her a smile.

"I'll be back soon. In the mean time, help Sango watch over the village for me" I don't want anyone else trying to convince me to stay.

 _I don't want to hear anyone doubt me…I am a strong priestess, I know what I'm doing, I know what I'm looking for…_

Now ankle deep in snow with no path in sight I begin to question why I would ever leave the village in the first place. Water drips into my socks as grey clouds begin to cover the sky.

"Maybe this was a bad idea…" I mutter to no one because there is _no one_ around me.

 _Well… here I am, wandering the forest on a mountainside… Looking for- oh God what am I looking for…_

In my haste to leave the village I forgot to talk to Jinenji! He keeps a list of all of the things we should keep on hand, and I don't have that list!

"Stupid stupid stupid!" Sinking to my knees, head in my hands I let out a low pitiful growl. I have every intention of continuing on, I can figure it out when I get there.

Alone in the snow I collect myself, taking deep breaths.

"Well, it's getting dark I should make a camp I guess…" I tell this to the ground. My hot breath has made a tiny crater in the snow and I can see the foliage below. Standing, I scan my surroundings cautiously.

Although so far I have done nothing but strike out, this was my first solo adventure in quite some time. Although nothing seemed to be going right, I still feel confident and self sufficient.

"I can do this…" I whisper before I gather kindling, piling it on the ground, clearing a small spot for a fire.

 _This isn't so bad, my fire is warm I have food, it's even peaceful enough for me to read._

After collecting water from a near by stream, I prepare a simple meal of rice and dried vegetables. I using my backpack to prop myself up before unfurling a tiny rolled up piece of paper.

"Hopefully this will help jog my memory a little…" Scanning the different depictions and descriptions of medicinal herbs, I feel downright tranquil.

The air is starting to bite, it's an early winter feeling. Soon the trees will wail and moan as they're forced into a wintery sleep. The stream might even freeze over this year.

I unroll my sleeping bag, the one that carried me through years of explorations and fights, and settle into it. Hopefully my toes will be warm tonight.

 _Okay, so you forgot what herbs you needed exactly, but you brought Jinenji's notes, so that's a step in the right direction._

I had only been travelling for a day, so I'm still pretty close to the village, I know where I'm headed. I have a clear head, I'm not panicking.

 _I'll spend a few days out here, alone with my thoughts, then I will return to the village refreshed. I even think there's a hot spring around here._

I smile, burying my nose into my sleeping bag, listening to the sound of the crackling fire and running water of the stream.

 _So calm…_

Something stirs, it sits at the edge of my conscience, begging attention. My eyes snap open.

 _Someone is close._

Bolting upright my head darts around. The fire had gone out recently, the charred embers still orange with the small amount of heat they hold.

There it was again, the feeling, the unease. Something demonic is coming this way.

Not wanting to be here any longer, I throw everything into my bag, stomping out the fire. Without the light, the forest takes on a sinister look, the shadows of the trees from the moon dance across the snow.

I run. The energy seems to be at a stand still, like it's contemplating following me. Edging into my consciousness it begins to walk.

 _It must not sense me…I sure hope it doesn't sense me…I really don't feel like fighting something off right now. I'm supposed to be here to relax, to get my mind off of things._

I groan, loudly and heave my bag up higher. Really, since I'm already awake and running I might as well just keep going until I get to the clearing. Last time I came out here, I was with Jinenji and Inuyasha. We followed the stream all the way up to a small clearing filled with wild flowers.

"These will even grow in the winter…" Jinenji's giant hand carefully picked the small buds, displaying them for me in an open palm.

"They're good for swelling, bruising and small infections…" His eyes continued to dart around, taking in all the different plants. He looked almost overwhelmed.

"Are you okay?" I touched his hand gently. Inuyasha wandered around impatiently.

"Come on you two! Hurry it up already!" I remember feeling frustration towards him. I remember yelling at him, telling him to be patient and we would be home soon.

Even now my blood boils at his callousness. Always so impatient with everyone.

My anger fuels my steps as I storm away from the energy. Clouds roll in as the dawn breaks, I can no longer count on the sun to warm my chilled bones. Pulling my clothing tighter, I trudge on.

"Oh great…" I mutter, as one singular snowflake hits my cheek. "It's snowing…" Regarding the offending weather predicament and letting out a great sigh I stop.

 _I'm sore, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm pretty sure I'm catching a cold, I can't feel that demons presence anymore._

Thoughts racing a mile a minute, eyes darting around frantically, they settle on a tiny hut off in the distance. A small saving grace in the flurries of snowflakes.

What began as a single snowflake, turned into a barrage of white. Dragging my tired feet through the snow drenched foliage, I make my way to the hut with purpose.

 _I just need to make it there, then I can sleep._

I stop suddenly, looking around. There it was, at the edge of my brain, that feeling again. Not so much a demonic presence, but something was edging its way towards me. Letting out a great sigh I break into a jog.

 _Leave me alone leave me alone!_

That's when it happens, a single tree root, the only one on the path, seems to reach out a tendril and grab onto my ankle. In actuality I was merely exhausted and no longer picking up my feet, but dragging them in the accumulating snow.

"No!" I let out an angry scream, snot dripping from my nose as I face plant into the cold hard ground.

A beastly noise escapes my lips when I manage to pull myself off the ground. Carefully, I climb to my single working foot, muttering a terrible string of words. Dragging myself along the path, I come to a stop in front of the hut.

No bigger then a few feet wide, it looks to be abandoned. Throwing the door open with little ceremony, I fall inside, slamming it shut behind me securing the storm shutter.

The tiny hut was divided into two sections, directly where I landed a small section lay still covered in dirt. Just beyond, the hut had been built onto a platform of wood. The planks were polished and almost pristine. Built into the centre lay a square hearth lined with flat stones. A singular shoji screen let in the smallest amount of light over a massive wooden storm shutter.

Fumbling for a moment, I manage to light what remained of the wood in the hearth. Lined up neatly along one side was enough kindling to last me a few days.

Allowing myself to collapse, my body gives in to the exhaustion and I cry myself to sleep.

That night I dream of a tranquil lake that looks like glass. Sitting on the banks, head on my knees I stare across to the other side. Something I haven't seen in a few years catches my attention.

Soul collectors.

I dreaded seeing them all those years ago, they meant nothing but heart break. Stomach turning I see a figure dressed solely in red creep across on the other side of the lake. Closing my eyes I do not wish to see.

Startling awake with a gasp, I try to catch my breath. I have not felt like this in quite some time, but the ache in my soul tears open just like it always does when I remember Kikyo.

I pour a small amount of water I gathered previously into my little cooking pot, boiling it over the fire for tea.

The smallest sliver of light comes in through the window, the rest of the hut was lit by the orange flames of my perfect little fire.

"Okay Kagome it's time to look at the damage to your foot…" I pull my leg up, tucking the un injured foot under my body. Peeling off my tabi slowly, I let a hiss escape my lips.

"uugghh nooo…" Groaning loudly I pull my hands to my face. The flesh around my ankle is stained yellow and purple; and approximately the size of a small melon.

"I can't walk on this…" Collapsing onto my back I groan, feeling sorry for myself.

After a few hours of self pity, I manage to drag myself out of the hut. The snow must have been falling all night. It settled in huge piles and snow banks due to the wind.

 _Well at least it's pretty out…_

The grey skies still linger, threatening more snow. Wind howling against the barren trees, I clamour to my feet, hobbling through the snow for more water and fire wood.

Not wanting to run out of either, I stuff every twig I can find within reaching distance into my backpack. All of my food lies on a cloth back at the hut and every vessel I can manage is filled with water from the stream.

Rather proud of myself, I hobble back towards my tiny salvation.

That's when I feel it, like a tiny satellite coming into orbit. The demonic aura I felt the day before.

 _Come on man… Not now!_

Focusing all of my energy into hiding, I try to cloak my own aura. Like hiding in plain sight, I seal off my power for the time being. Out of sight out of mind, I give myself a mental pat on the back before getting to work on something to eat.

If I'm going to be stuck here for a few days until this stupid swollen ankle heals, I need to ration food. Realistically I have enough food to survive a week, my water and wood supply on the other hand will need to be replenished.

 _Okay… that's not so bad… So I hole myself in the hut for a few days and relax, then I go to the hot spring and relax… not so bad…_

I try to calm myself, sipping my tea. Breathing a sigh I try not to focus on the throbbing of my ankle, I try not to think about what is stressing me out. I try to relax.

My mind has nothing to do, I've eaten and I have counted every board in this place. The sliver of light begins to fade and I know it's started to snow again. It's not even mid day and I'm already breaking down, I don't want to be here anymore, I can't relax.

This was a terrible idea.

Racing my thoughts can't even form a sentence. What am I even angry about, why am I being such a mess?

It settles on the last time I saw Inuyasha before leaving. He was doing nothing but irritating me, going from moving from place to place to remaining stagnant really effected him. Feeling like a caged animal his patience ran very thin.

When I told him I wanted to spend the day alone with him in a hot spring he did nothing but complain.

"I just want to spend some time with you…" I hold his hand, swinging it gingerly. His face flushes as he looks away in frustration.

"We could have just stayed in the village for that" He mumbles and I pretend not to hear it. The path was steep and filled with debris, I took special care while stepping. It winds around the mountain sticking close to the edge before dropping off into a sheer face.

"Be careful Kagome…" His voice trails, reaching a hand back for mine, we fall into single file. I grasp the back of his suikan in my hands, placing my forehead between his shoulder blades.

"Stick close okay?" His voice is soft and concerned. I haven't heard him worry so much in a while. It's a nice change to his impatience. Burying my face further, I try not to think about my impending death down this cliff. Focusing on sliding my feet along the ground I should have noticed the chunk missing from the cliff, but instead I stuck my foot onto nothing but loose air.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha was nothing but a blur in front of me. Reaching hands pull me into his arms and I can do nothing but stare.

"I told you to be careful! I'm carrying you the rest of the way I don't trust you!" He shouts, face inches from mine. I can see the concern in his eyes but it doesn't make me feel any better. His arms encircle me, wrapping around my back and under my knees. He keeps his eyes trained ahead and I look into his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his neck.

We arrive to the hot spring pretty much unscathed. He fusses over me for a little bit, telling me I should check my ankle and just being concerned. We're the only ones here and the sun has just started to set.

Inuyasha stands on the edge of the cliff, watching as the sun dips below the trees. The hot spring itself is contained within a rocky barrier, overlooking the forest. Foliage covers one section of it, making it rather secluded.

The rest of the ledge lies barren and open. I poke my head through the trees to check the temperature of the water.

"It's so warm! I'm so excited!" I put my bow and quiver next to a tree, beginning to undress. Dipping my foot into the placid pool, I let a moan escape my lips.

"Ugh this is so nice…" I wade out into the centre of the pool, submerging myself into the water up to my neck. Inuyasha disrobes, rather shyly, joining me in the water. His cheeks are red from embarrassment or heat I can't tell.

His eyes dart around as his cheeks flush further. He sits on a rock, legs crossed, hair piled on top of his head. Gliding over, I sit next to him, placing my head on his shoulder.

"Pretty relaxing huh?" I look at him, trying to catch his eyes. He continues to look away. Catching his face in my hands, I pull him closer to me.

"Why won't you look at me?" His eyes meet mine. They swim with something I can't quite pinpoint. Fear, regret, longing perhaps? Keeping his eyes trained to mine I wait for his answer. His breath catches for a moment.

Leaning in he kisses me gently. His hand caresses the back of my head, sliding down to my neck.

He breaks the kiss, looking into my eyes once more. Now it's my turn to blush.

"Inu-Inuyasha…" My face flush, he comes in to kiss me once more.

"K-Kikyo…" Face burning, my stomach drops into my knees. He knows what he's said, my eyes sting as the tears start to flow. I push him away as hard as I can, stepping out of the hot spring, I grab my clothing and run.

This is the second time he's called me Kikyo in the last month. It never ceases to amaze me how much it hurts. How it makes me feel inadequate, unneeded, unloved.

I'm throwing my clothing on, tying things haphazardly, bow and quiver forgotten. Trying my best I trudge down the mountain, through the perilous path from earlier. I couldn't care less if I fell at this moment. The pain of falling would be easier then this.

I can hear him calling in the distance. It took him a few minutes to compose himself before he followed me. He's soaked. His hair drips over his clothing. I can't even look at him, turning away I continue down the path.

"I can't even look at you." I bite at him. Focusing on my feet, I can barely see anything in front of me. The full moon lies in the sky, barely above the trees that surround us. He's behind me, I can feel him. Fallen a few paces behind me, he does nothing but follow.

"I don't understand what you want. I don't know what you need…" I let my voice trail into the darkness.

"Kagome I-"

"NO!" I scream, fists balled, nails biting into my flesh. My eyes water and I shut them tight, turning to face him I refuse to open them. Feet slipping I feel myself falling into nothing. The soft earth disintegrating under my zori. I let the earth take me.

I feel myself falling into the abyss, my unhappiness swallowing me like the trees. He cries out, no doubt leaps to me immediately. Strong arms encircle me as I allow them to do so. As much as he angers me, I cannot live without him.

Naraku may have pitted Kikyo and Inuyasha against one another; but he will be his own downfall. Inuyasha's inability to let go and move on will be what kills him.

Gripping me tightly, he buries his face into my neck. I feel his tears stain my skin.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…I-I" His words come in broken little sobs. My hands rest on his damp hair as he shakes, my touch startles him. Looking into my eyes, he is himself again.

The man that was in the hot spring was not the man I love. His eyes were different, they were lost in the past. This is my Inuyasha.

But how much will it take for him to stay. My Inuyasha disappears for long periods of time now it seems. He hides behind his eyes and in his own head. He refuses to allow the past to die, refuses to let it stay buried.

I thought that bringing him away from the village, away from the memories would have been good for him and I. In a way it was, I felt connected with his soul once more, but how long will it last this time.

We spent the night in the forest together, not saying a word. When we arrived back home the next day, neither of us spoke to one another for an entire day.

I didn't breathe a word of it to Sango, she had her own things to deal with. She didn't need my problems on top of her own.

When I left, Inuyasha barely said anything to me.

"Just be careful okay…"

His last words ring in my ears as I wallow in my own self pity.

That night I cry myself to sleep.

It's been three days since I left the village, the snow won't stop and I'm out of firewood. I've used my last bundle and I can't put it off any longer. Donning my tabi boots that barely fit onto my swollen foot, I open the shutter doors.

I can no longer get warm of my own accord, my body shakes and I feel weak although I've consumed enough to eat and drink. My hands shake uncontrollably and I don't know if it's because I'm cold or if something else is happening to me.

My heart races, I feel like there's a bird trapped in my rib cage trying to get out. Hand clutching my chest I topple into the snow. Not a single footprint lies around the hut, only my own. I roll onto my back, looking at the snow darkened sky, grey clouds unrelenting.

A single crane flies above me as my eyes drift shut. Once again I allow the earth to take me.

I feel something circle me with warmth. My frozen little body crying at the sudden change, eyes fluttering I catch a glimpse of silver and drift.

I dream that I am not myself. I dream that I am a dead priestess and they are setting my body on fire. I scream to let them know that I am alive but they won't listen. Inuyasha lights the funeral pyre.

Jolting upright my eyes take too long to focus. I rub them with my open palms, willing them to focus. I'm warm, I've been covered with a thick kimono that is not mine, a fire burns low in the hearth.

Sesshomaru sits in the corner, his head perched on his hand, staring at me.

I feel my jaw fall open.

"What are you doing here!" He simply blinks, removing his head from his hand.

"If I did not find you when I did you would be dead." It's my turn to blink. Standing, he moves towards me. I try to pull myself away but my body is too weak. Pulling the edge of the kimono off of my lower half, he takes my foot into his hand.

It looks less swollen then I remember, less bruised as well. The scratches that littered my skin no longer look as angry. He moves my foot around carefully, watching my expression.

"You had an infection…in your blood…I could smell it…" He says this rather offhandedly, nose wrinkling. I feel myself grow pale, hands shaking I steady myself.

"It's almost worked its way through. You should be fine, you just need to rest." He places my foot back onto the ground, re covering it with the kimono. Standing he moves for the door.

"Wait! Where are you going?" My voice is quick and hurried, he can't leave me like this, alone and helpless once more. I can feel my heart pounding again, that bird wants to be let out so badly.

"You need fresh water and food. I will be back soon." I am left staring at the empty doorway. Lying on my back I cover my face, breathing deeply.

What on earth just happened. I steady my breathing, counting to a hundred, trying to collect myself.

The demonic aura I felt, it had to be his, but why? What was Sesshomaru doing out here? So far from home? In all honesty I had no idea where his home was, after the jewel I don't even know if he had a purpose.

His life was dedicated to revenge against Inuyasha, until it wasn't worth it.

The last time I saw Sesshomaru he was with Rin. It was spring and he had brought her gifts, they sat together in Kaede's hut drinking tea and talking.

A few weeks prior, Rin asked me a question about love.

"Say Kagome, can I ask you something?" We were down in the valley, picking weeds from the garden together.

"Of course Rin, whatever you'd like. Do you want to stop for a moment and have some lunch?" She nods in approval.

"How do you know when you're in love…" Her voice trails off to a whisper, she's avoiding eye contact with me. She may have grown up physically, but I feel Rin is still mentally a child.

Her question didn't shock me, but it did make me question my own feelings.

"You can feel it all the way through your soul. It's like being in a state of constant forgetfulness, you feel like you're always kind of missing something…" I wonder if she's talking about Sesshomaru. Her eyes are trained to the ground, unmoving.

"You'll know when you're in love" I touch her shoulder gently. She gives me a nod of recognition, flashing a smile.

Sesshomaru comes back into the hut, he's carrying my cooking pot filled with water and a single small fish.

I watch as he kneels next to the fire, roasting the teeny tiny fish. He looks focused, soft even. The once terrible dog demon seems to have been tamed. The flames throw light onto his skin, dancing around, illuminating different sections.

I don't think I've ever been this close to him before. His presence is calm and controlled. His movements are precise and minute. He either doesn't notice me staring at him or doesn't seem to care.

"This should be adequate for now." Placing my fish on a plate he hands it to me. I scuttle to place my back against the wall, helping to support my weight.

He sits across from me, motionless. His armour has been shed and placed carefully in the corner, his boots lie next to mine. When he brought me in he must have taken my shoes off.

I can't picture this great demon lord tenderly taking off my boots and wrapping me in his kimono. Catching his eyes I hold them for a moment. He looks lost, lonely even. He doesn't let go of my eyes.

"Thank you…" I begin to eat slowly. The food isn't sitting well and I don't know if it's because I haven't eaten in a while or his presence is making me uncomfortable. He's still staring at me.

"You don't have to stay if you have somewhere else to be… Thank you for taking care of me and making sure I am fine… If the snow lets up I can leave tomorrow and be back in the village within a few days" I see a small change on his face. His brows furrow momentarily, like he's worried.

"I have nowhere else to be." His voice is devoid of emotion but his eyes tell me something and I can't quite make it out. He must see the shocked look on my face.

"I do not have land like you humans…I have no purpose at the moment." He looks away, down to the fire. I feel my heart clench. This great power has no purpose.

"What do you mean?" My voice is soft, like I don't want to scare him away.

"I was wrapped up in hatred and greed for so long, that is what was driving me. Now that I don't have any left, I have nothing." My heart clenches once more. He has found peace yet not purpose.

"But Rin is in the human village, why don't you come and live with her there?" He must know her feelings for him. She had to have told him. Come to think of it I stopped seeing Sesshomaru come to the village after seeing them together in Kaede's hut. I never noticed that he stopped bringing her gifts.

His expression turns and I see hurt on his face, like I've torn open a wound that was just healing.

"She does not feel the same as I do…" His voice is a whisper. I have to hold in my gasp as my hands fly to my mouth. His eyes quiver.

This is a Sesshomaru that I have never seen before. He is a single raw nerve, wandering alone.

"I'm sorry…" I know how you feel. We share a knowing, an understanding in a single word not uttered. We are both in pain, we both seek solitude for answers.

I hold his quivering eyes for a long while. He's trying to tell me his feelings through a gaze.

We sit in our silence for the rest of the night.

When I wake the next morning I catch a glimpse of his foot out of the corner of my eye. Sitting up carefully, I get to see him in a new light.

The sun, which I haven't seen in days, shines through the top of the storm shutter. It illuminates the small hearth with the fire still burning low.

He sits, back against the wall of the hut, legs splayed and arms crossed. So casual, so calm, so serene.

The great and terrible dog demon seems almost human, his ghostly hair nothing but an apparition of his former self. His breathing is even and steady, I think he might even be truly asleep.

His lids flutter and unseeing eyes see things on lids that are not aware. Do demons dream? I catch myself leaning closer onto my hands, wanting to catch a glimpse of what he sees.

Those clawed hands clench and release periodically as his lids continue to flutter. I'm very close now, I can feel his breath coming out in short fast puffs. Part of me wants to wake him but the other wants to continue to look at him.

I want to touch him, to tell him it's nothing but a dream. I lean back onto my heels, the dichotomy of my thoughts playing back and forth.

His eyes open and they look so pained, his brows knit together and I can tell he's trying to orient himself. His brain is working on telling him where he is. I give him a smile before breaking the silence.

"Good morning!" I say cheerily, throwing more kindling onto the fire. His eyes retreat back behind the wall.

"Would you like something to eat? I have some rice left, or I can see if there's some wild vegetables around?" I'm getting to my feet rather ungracefully. My injured ankle is still swollen and I can't help the sound that escapes from clenched teeth.

In a flash he's next to me, arm around my waist, supporting my weight. He clenches my hip protectively, eyes locking onto mine. The breath catches in my throat.

"Please, I will go." His tone is forceful but not in a scary way. He has the same eyes he had on last night.

"It's alright, I wouldn't mind getting out for some fresh air. Besides, it looks rather nice out!" I give a jovial laugh, trying to prove I can walk on my own. He hesitates before letting me go, the spot where his hand was still warm.

He helps me with my boots, placing it very carefully over my swollen ankle. His eyes are focused on his hands, like he's worried he's going to move too quickly and injure me. Putting his own boots on, he throws his extra jacket over my shoulders.

My face turns red as he pulls it closed tightly around my body. This kindness is something foreign to me. His hands are soft and gentle, his voice the same. This kindness was something that Rin once felt, this kindness is not meant for me.

Heart fluttering I can do nothing but picture Inuyasha's eyes as they gaze into my own. Eyes burning I look away, taking his hand has he helps me out of the hut.

I was right, it's beautiful out. Snow covers every inch of the ground, not a single footprint disturbs it.

Sesshomaru humours me as I hobble around, looking for signs of something edible. He crosses his arms, staring from a distance, staying at the ready just in case I slip.

After too long I give up, sinking into the snow. He rushes over to me, hands around my shoulders. I turn to him laughing, a little out of breath.

"I am not as fragile as you think…But I do need help to stand" Taking his hand, he helps me up. His gentle claws graze my skin, I can't help but shiver against his warm touch.

"Humans are deceptively fragile, there is a village close to here, I can get you food from there." His tone is rather matter of fact. He's looking at me, waiting for an answer, but he hasn't asked a question.

"Are you seeing if I want to come with you on this quest? Because I don't really want to be left alone in that hut for an extended period of time." Blowing air out his nose, he stands in front of me presenting his back and kneeling with little ceremony.

"I can walk you don't have to carry me" I give him a smile, hand touching his shoulder. He looks at me sideways before turning his whole head to look at me. "How about if I get tired you can carry me?" I see the smallest nod of approval before he stands.

"Do you mind if I use you for balance in the snow?" Reaching a hand out, I graze his elbow. Seeing his left arm is still a little foreign to me. Linking my arm in his I lean into him for balance, watching where I step.

All the way down the mountain I think of nothing but my feet. Where I should place them, what part of the Earth they are touching. How I should position myself so I won't fall. I don't think I looked up once.

I catch him watching me, just a single glance every few minutes. His eyebrow twitches in the smallest way and I've realized it's his worried face. That stone cold expression will never break.

We come to a path that's been cleared by foot traffic and I'm no longer as worried about slipping. Within feet I can see the entrance to a village.

"I've been this close to civilization for how long and I just found out!" I let out a frustrated noise that startles Sesshomaru slightly.

"You could not have walked down here by yourself." His stern tone cuts me off.

"I'm glad you found me" I whisper, the company is nice. As much as I wanted time to myself, I'm glad he stumbled upon me when he did.

The village is small, even smaller then Kaede's, but it does have a few shops that sell fish and vegetables.

"I don't have any money! All I have are the herbs I gathered!" I wail in panic, looking for my small bag of coins. Instead the pouch I brought is full of dried wild flowers.

The shop keeper looks uneasily from me to Sesshomaru before saying, "This isn't a ploy to rob me? If I let you take the vegetables will you leave me be?" They take a step back.

Sesshomaru fishes into his sleeve, producing three silver coins, placing them into the man's hand before walking away, giving my elbow a tug.

"Thank you…"

We make our way back to the path, trotting along slowly. I can see where we emerged earlier, my small foot prints next to his. The clouds look rather angry, like they're going to dump more snow on us tonight.

"It looks like it's going to snow again" I whisper, eyes to the sky. Before I can say anything else I am whisked off my feet.

Sesshomaru's enveloped me into his arms as he trudges through the deep snow.

"You are quite fatigued now, I can tell" He's not wrong, I'm very tired and very hungry. The small fish he fed me definitely didn't give me enough fuel for this journey.

"Thank you…" He gives me a single nod of approval. His hands feel hot even though the temperature is beginning to drop.

My heart begins to race and I'm worried I will lose control of it. Thumping against my rib cage I wonder if he can hear it. I wonder if he can smell the adrenaline running through my veins. I wonder if he knows what his touch has enticed from me.

This small mundane form of non intimate touch has excited me beyond measure. Something as thoughtful and as sweet as carrying me so I don't have to walk. His hands burning I feel my face do the same.

My cheeks are no doubt a shade of scarlet I can't even bear to look at him. I look at my knees as we continue.

"Do you have a fever?" Leaning his face into mine, his cheek touches my forehead. Pulling his face away he looks to me.

"You feel warm. Are you alright?" His eyes hold concern and all I can do is stumble over my words.

"I-I feel ok! I-I'm just a little warm…You're just close is all…" I haven't been held this intimately in what feels like a lifetime. I don't want to leave his warmth.

He doesn't say anything the rest of the way back.

Placing me gently onto my sleeping bag, he starts the fire once more. Slowly he begins to prepare my meal.

"You don't have to cook…You don't even eat human food" I try to nudge him away gently.

"I don't mind" Is all he responds with. I allow him to cook so I can be alone with my thoughts.

I feel like my skin is on fire. His touch, although nothing but innocent, awoke something within me that has me worried. I wanted his hand against my bare skin, like it would have helped heal me.

He brings out a calmness in my soul that I don't think I've ever felt.

I don't want him to leave.

He tends the cooking pot, prodding the vegetables. He isn't paying attention to me, all I want to do is reach out and touch his skin. I just need to feel it against my own skin.

He's so close, less then an arms reach away, if I hold out my hand I can graze the edge of his furisode.

I gasp when my fingers brush the silk. How did my hand get here? Why am I doing this?

When he looks at me I can see the shock on his face, like no one has tried to touch him before and lived. My hands fly over my mouth, face flushing violently.

"I'm sorry… I don't know what came over me…Your sleeve…I-I" I clamp my hands around my mouth, stifling my own words. His clawed fingers brush my own, taking my hand into his. His thumb sweeps over my palm, reading the lines like he knows what language they're in.

My heart is in my throat, pounding, no longer a bird in the cage and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Moving from my palm, following the curve of my body; over my wrist, elbow, shoulder, neck and finally, finally settling on my cheek.

His hand is warm and soft against my face. Welcoming, inviting, his thumb traces my cheek bone. Leaning in, closing my eyes, I let go of the breath I was holding for too long. With a rush of air, the atmosphere is too thick, too hot, too heavy.

I need a catalyst, something to happen, the air to ignite and take this feeling away.

Eyes meeting, I catch a glimpse of something pooling, I can almost imagine the thoughts forming.

The wind is beginning to pick up outside, it howls around the little hut. The temperature is beginning to drop and I just hope I will be able to stay warm. My terrible mind thinks of nothing but a warm body against mine.

Flushing further, his hand is still on my face, thumb tracing lazy circles. He begins to open his mouth, as if to say something.

The pot boils over, putting out our small fire, the hut suddenly pitch dark.

I feel my breath catch, his hand slips around the nape of my neck, his lips suddenly on mine. With shaking hands I reach out, grasping the silk.

This feels so perfect.

He's the first to pull away, I can just catch his expression, he looks almost breathless.

"I'm sorry…" I've never heard him apologize for anything before. He turns to relight the fire. He's too far, I need his warmth, I need his hands.

My hands find the edge of his sleeve and like a child I give it a silent tug. Turning at the sudden movement our eyes meet and in the dim light they look sweet. He is burdened and so am I, I want to be burdened with him.

"Please" My word falls into the dead air, wind howling around us but not reaching us. He begins to open his mouth to protest.

"Please…" I say again, breathless.

His eyes look to my lips, he's contemplating, calculating what he should do. I see him bite his lip, a very un Sesshomaru like action, his fang slipping neatly over his bottom lip.

He looks at my lips, leaning into me, putting his weight on his hands, his nose brushes mine. I hold my breath, waiting. Hands on either side of my hips, his lips brush against mine.

This is everything I need, everything I want. I want him to devour me, make me forget, allow me to crawl into him. Something pools into my stomach, my heart pounds in my ears, blood rushes to my cheeks.

I lean against the wall as he pushes his weight against me, hand knotting into my hair. A moan escapes my lips, I need more. I climb to my knees, hands rushing to his face, his skin is electric under my fingertips.

Half lidded, his eyes drip with sweetness, I want to wrap myself in them. I want to drink this moment in and hold it forever. I sit back on my heels, pulling him into me, feeling his warmth radiate.

My hands grasp the edges of his furisode, I give it an experimental tug, seeing if I can take this further faster. I hear the smallest gasp at my audacity. Pulling away from me, he shrugs the offending fabric off, letting it hang from his waist.

Breath catching I feel the blush rise, I need to touch him. His skin is perfect, not a single blemish marks it.

This is so wrong, never in my life would I imagine myself doing this, but somewhere in the darkest part of my soul it feels perfect. I allow my hands to explore the vastness of his skin, feeling his muscles tense and relax beneath my touch.

Trailing down, I start with his obi, working my way through the knot I toss it aside.

It's his turn now, his hands rest on my waist, they clench and relax as his breathing grows more laboured. He's holding back, taking it slow, allowing me to make things happen.

He slips his hands into my clothing, fingers finally touching my bare skin. Hands migrating, he slips my hakui over my shoulders, exposing my bare chest. Shivering lightly, his hands cover me, exploring. Claws trailing everywhere he touches I feel like I am on fire.

Blood pounds in my ears and everything is white hot. I need him to fill a void that's been building for far too long.

I let a moan out when his thumb grazes my nipple. I bite his lip, knotting my hands into his perfect hair. His hands rest greedily on my waist, claws pressing lightly into my exposed flesh.

His breathing is getting more and more laboured, his muscles getting tighter and tighter under my touch.

I break our kiss, catching my breath quickly before working my way down his neck, along his collar bone. He moans gently, carefully, his hands slip lower. He tugs at my hakama greedily, wanting them gone.

Pushing him gently, I slip out of my bottoms, straddling his waist I take him in for a moment. His hair splays around him, circling him in an ethereal glow. My breath catches in my throat, he's so beautiful.

He reaches a hand up, cupping my face gently, pulling me back into our kiss. Hands resting on my bare hips, he slips under my top, sliding the fabric from my shoulders.

I am now completely exposed, the only thing keeping him from me is fabric. Heart racing once more I don't think I've ever been this scattered. Something in the way his hands caress my skin makes me want to devour him.

Something mounts deep within me, I feel like I need to explode, that is the only way to get rid of this pressure building.

His hands cup my breasts and I finally get rid of the last stitch of fabric keeping him from me. He moans, loudly this time, when I graze him.

This is power I've never known before. I can feel a smile play across my lips, looking down at him he is powerless.

Cheeks flush his brows furrow together, I want to tease him. I kiss his mouth, pulling away before he can take control. Trailing down his cheek I bite his ear, another moan.

Down his neck, across his chest, I plant sweet kisses along his collar bone. Migrating south I continue, hands planting onto his hips I dig my nails in just a touch. Another moan followed by the sharp intake of breath.

I take him into my mouth, slowly, agonizingly slow. I can see him throw his head back, see him bare his teeth. His hands knot into my hair and I hear him whisper my name.

The first time he's used it, the first time I have ever heard him say it. I move my head, up and down, I can hear his agonized noises. His hips buck uncontrollably against me.

He can't take it anymore, he pulls at me, grabs at my skin. In one single movement he is on top of me, showering me with kisses, hands exploring.

Taking one of my breasts into his hand, he showers kisses along my throat, playfully biting and enticing me. Stopping, he takes a nipple into his mouth, giving it an experimental flick with his tongue.

A moan escapes and I see a smile form. His hand moves, following the curve of my body and rests between my thighs.

I am burning, his body is on fire against me. There is nothing keeping us from each other, we have no more obligations to anyone but ourselves. This is what I want, this is what I need.

I need this feeling taken away, this unwanted stone sitting in my stomach. I need this void filled, this emptiness taken away.

This feeling of being wanted is all I need. I just want his hands on me all the time, his lips against my skin.

His hand sits, taunting me, enticing me. With a single clawed finger he presses experimentally, gauging a reaction before diving in.

My moan speaks volumes for he is no longer holding back. Placing himself against me, his erection presses gently against the bundle of nerves that needs releasing.

I bite my lip, giving a whimper, pleading with him. His hand moves, brushes hair from my face before settling beside my head. Planting a final tender kiss on my lips he pulls away eyes catching mine.

"This is what you want?" He asks in a low tone. I nod before I can speak, collecting my breathing before making a sound.

"Please…" My voice, alien and not from my own throat, sits in the room, an outsider looking in.

He presses his entire body against me, pushing himself inside, parting me and filling the void that had been left open for too long.

I feel like an old wound has been healed. His hands don't stop exploring, he is so gentle with me, like he will break me if he breathes too hard. Situating himself carefully, he takes a sharp intake of air calming his trembling body.

His hard length pushes against a set of nerves, causing a jolt to my toes. I can't help the noise that pushes through my lips. I close my eyes, I can no longer look at him, I bury my face into his neck.

In one calculated movement, he rocks forward. I bite his neck to keep from screaming, the world is getting louder, everything is amplified and I need this pressure taken from me.

His breath is in my ear now, skin dampening from heavy breathing, he lets out an animalistic noise. Grunting I feel him begin to unravel.

Knotting my hands in his hair once more I pull his head back exposing his neck. His pulse jumps wildly below the thin enticing skin. He continues in his rhythmic thrusts, pressing against me, pushing me further.

I'm teetering, almost there, the shockwaves start and I feel my toes curl. He lets out a moan of pleasure and I know he's close too. Humming in approval I pull him in, wrapping my legs around him, locking my ankles together. His hands scoop under me, lifting me from the floor.

We are a knot on the floor. He continues thrusting, I grip his back and can no longer tell who is trembling. His forehead rests on the cool ground right next to my ear and I can hear the carnal noises rising from his throat.

That's when he hits it. I let out a scream, not expecting the sudden divulge of everything at once. Hands shaking uncontrollably I grasp at his bottom, pulling him deeper and that's when he finishes.

Filling me up I pull at his skin, hot to the touch I feel like I'm walking on fire. He tips forward, pulling his arms out from under me and catching himself on his hands.

His breathing is low and ragged, he's having trouble catching his breath. Chest heaving his forehead rests on mine, our noses are touching.

The world falls into place slowly. The pieces connect but it takes a few moments for them to register for me. My breath escapes in shallow puffs against Sesshomaru's lips, his eyes are closed and he is trying to compose himself.

Finally, finally he opens his eyes. A look of horror crosses his face, he cups my cheek in his hand brushing his thumb over my lips before standing abruptly. I cover my face in my hands holding nothing but regret.

I forced myself on him, this is all my fault. There's a flare of warmth from behind me before arms circle my waist. He buries his nose between my shoulder blades, breathing deeply.

"Your lips are blue" Is all he says, pulling the kimono over top of us. His hands sit on my stomach, pulling me close, refusing to let me go.

His breathing is even and calm behind me, as I drift to sleep I think of nothing.

I feel like my mind has gone blank, nothing but black behind my closed lids. There's a flapping sound that I can't pinpoint. My closed eyes open and I see a crane, flying over a frozen lake.

My body is heavy with sleep, my limbs weigh too much to lift. I am cold, the warmth has left and my heart feels cold. Eyes fluttering, I am alone. The fire is small in the hearth and the wind howls around the hut.

My fevered brain must have conjured the last few days up. I feel nauseous, my brain feels like it will come out of my ears if I try to think too hard. Lying on my back I cover my face with my hands. I am alone.

I close my eyes, letting exhaustion take me.

Once again I dream of cranes.

I am surrounded by warmth, I feel deft fingers on my forehead, combing through my hair. Eyes fluttering once more they meet with concern.

"You're real…" My voice is alien in the dead thick warm air. I see his lip twitch gently.

"I am real." His hand brushes my hair from my sweat soaked forehead. He's boiling water on the fire and a roasted fish sits near me.

"I don't think I ever want to leave you." The words fall on the floor and my fever delirious brain can't quite fathom what's going on. His eyes hold a lot of something I can't place.

He cradles me in his arms, holding me tightly.

I reach one heavy hand to his face, tracing his stripes gently. They feel electric under my fingertips, the slightly raised edges like braille. I try to read them, closing my eyes once more.

When I open my eyes he is wiping sweat from my brow with a warm cloth. I feel nauseous, my skin is on fire and I want to crawl out of my own head.

"I feel terrible" Once again my voice is ragged and other worldly.

"You have a flu…" He soothes me, carefully maneuvering himself out from under me. He pours something into a cup, bringing it back to me. Sitting up I take the cup from his hands.

Inuyasha must be looking for me now, I've been gone for too long. I don't want to leave. I want to disappear into the snow. My heart aches for Inuyasha, I wonder what he would think of me if he knew I was lying in bed with his own brother.

A dirty feeling falls over my soul, I feel tainted. I feel strained and broken. I feel a tear slip from my closed lids, down my cheek, onto my knees. I don't know if it's me or the fever talking but my mouth is moving and I catch the tail end of a single sob.

"…It's Kikyo that he loves…It's Kikyo…I will disappear and it will be ok…" Sesshomaru has scooped me into his arms, cradling me gently, placing my tired body onto his lap. He pulls my face towards his shoulder.

I'm sobbing now, the words no longer make sense to my own ears. My breath is coming out in quick puffs and I can't seem to catch it. All he does is hold me quietly.

I can feel my heart shattering. The fault lines cracking, eroding beyond repair. Deep fissures fill my soul leaving it empty. This feeling, this calmness, is something I had never known that I wanted.

His embrace, his warmth was something I needed. I felt like I could no longer live without it.

My own fevered brain cannot comprehend what I am saying, but I catch it, just as this name tumbles from my lips, into the stagnant air and I want to die.

"Inuyasha…" I feel my heart break, my shoulders clench. The room is now a thousand degrees and I feel like I am walking on fire. My tiny hands grip at the edges of his clothing, holding onto them as I fall.

Falling deep down into darkness I think my eyes are closed. My body is weightless and I feel like I am on the ocean. The boat carries me somewhere and I reach the shore.

I am not where I am supposed to be, the air is different here. It feels cool and free. My hands find my face and I rub my eyes, sitting up carefully.

"Please be careful miss" A stranger? I follow the voice and see a girl with long brown hair. She wears the traditional clothing of a priestess, like looking in the mirror with someone else's face.

I turn my head looking around the room a little frantically.

"Thank goodness you were brought here, a little longer and you would have been a goner! Here, have something to eat" She hands me rice wrapped in a bamboo leaf.

"Where-where is he?" Alien words fall from chapped lips, I have not spoken in days. She raises an eyebrow, stoking the hearth, much like he did.

"The demon that brought you here? He's gone" She doesn't look at me, she keeps her voice calm.

This is what it feels like to be on fire. My heart shatters, I feel the wind pick it up and blow it away, scattering the pieces. Will they ever be found? I don't know if I want them to be found.

My body feels broken and worn out, I feel so tired, I can barely lift my own head.

I wonder if this is what Inuyasha felt like when he called me Kikyo for the first time. I wonder if he found his heart back at the village. I wonder if the pieces were easy to pick up.

He's gone. His energy, his aura, his warmth is all gone. I close myself off once more, sealing myself away within the shell of my own body.

Within a few days the priestess, Tsuru, allows me to walk around the village. I feel physically better but spiritually drained. I no longer have a fever and can keep solid food down.

Walking through the village, I feel nothing. I stand at the edge facing the forest where we stayed together and I reach as far as I can. I imagine a string winding its way through the trees, searching.

Nothing.

I walk back to the shrine and help Tsuru with her chores.

She is youth, her soul has not loved and I can tell. She is not as broken as I have become, her eyes still hold so much hope in them.

"Your village must miss you terribly Kagome" Her words are soft, hand reaching she brushes my shoulder. Eyes glistening in the firelight I cannot make a connection with them. I feel like I have retreated into my own world.

Do my eyes look as dead as Kikyo's?

My eyes are hot and sore, tears prick at the backs of them and I am emotionally drained.

"I should go back…I should go back…" I say this breathless, like it's labouring me to think about it. I should go back… so I won't be alone.

Tsuru lets me leave once I have fully recovered. She gives me supplies and a few pairs of socks for the road.

With a tearful hug we say our goodbyes. I will miss Tsuru, she is a kind soul and the life of a priestess is hard in a village filled with this much sickness.

I walk down the long snow covered path. I walk for what seems like eons. My body doesn't get tired though, I am numb. After a full day of walking I tell myself I should rest.

"Where are you headed priestess?" The voice startles me but only slightly. A man and woman sit atop a cart being pulled by an ox. I give them a smile.

"I'm going to Edo, are you headed in the same direction?" He gives his wife a look and nods.

"Climb on up and we will take you" I do as told, curling into a ball in the back of the cart, letting the numbness take me.

We don't speak for most of the journey, out of respect or fear I will not know. The tension I feel is coming from me and not the others around me. My heart sits in my throat, my stomach in knots and I just want to feel alright.

I close my eyes, pulling my jacket tighter around my body. The feel of it on my skin is like fire.

"Wait! Kagome! Don't forget this!" Tsuru hands me the kimono made of indigo dyed fabric. Birds of a darker shade flock around the bottom. Why would a demon lord own this? He no longer owns it, I do and I will cherish it.

"Thank you Tsuru, I almost forgot" I give her a smile.

I haven't taken it off since leaving the village. Maybe it will be like a beacon of hope, calling home for him to find me. His scent is no longer on the fabric, it smells of snow and fire smoke.

In the distance I catch a glimpse of something brash against the snow covered ground. I can see red. Heart pounding I feel faint. Inuyasha. He catches my scent and I know he does, turning on his heel he flies towards the cart.

The man and woman call out in scared voices, telling the demon to halt. I stand, placing my hands on their shoulders.

"Would you mind stopping here? I will get off and the demon won't harm you I promise." My voice is quiet and sombre. They both look at me with wide terrified eyes.

"Priestess, are you sure?" We don't have time to argue, I just get off the cart slowly, in just enough time for Inuyasha to envelope me into his arms. Strong and tight he lifts me from the ground, burying his face into my neck.

My breath catches, the smell of Sesshomaru must be gone from this coat.

His hands grip every part of me that he can. He has tears in his eyes when he speaks into my neck.

"I looked for you…" He couldn't find me and I knew he wouldn't. The snow blanketed my scent and I sealed myself away.

"I couldn't find you, no one knew where you were or where you went…" His voice is broken and emotional, he's crying now, into my shoulder. I smooth his hair gently, like if I put too much pressure on him he will break.

The man and woman avert their eyes. They're deliberating now, trying to figure out if I am also a demon in disguise. I kiss Inuyasha's forehead gently, untangling myself from his grasp.

Making eye contact with the man and woman I see they look quite scared.

"Thank you for your kindness" I bow, real low and turn to Inuyasha.

"Let's go home." I tell him, my voice staying soft. No sharp edges to be found. He takes my hand giving it a squeeze before letting me climb onto his back. I bury my face into his hair as he sprints towards home.

This smell is different. He smells like thunder feels, he smells foreboding and unpredictable. The smallest part of me is nervous. I have always been nervous and never realized it until nothing but calm enveloped me.

"You don't have to tell me what happened" Soft, his voice startles me. We're home, in our home, fire roaring. I sit, staring into the fire, the coat hangs near the door and I watch the flames dance across it.

My skin itches, it hurts. I want to peel it off and throw it into the fire. Starting with my crown and just toss it away. That will make the pain stop won't it?

Hands reach for me, they're trying to be gentle. Inuyasha cradles me on his lap, I settle into the crevice between his legs, head on his shoulder. His claws work through my hair and I close my eyes.

He places a chaste kiss on my forehead.

We continue with life and I feel like I am mourning my own death. Every day it feels like it's hurting less and less, then something will happen and I am back to square one.

Something as simple as a glimpse of silver from the corner of my eye, won't remind me that Inuyasha is close to me. I will think of nothing but Sesshomaru.

Does he miss me? Does his heart ache as much as mine does? Did his soul shatter when he decided to leave me in the village? Or did it shatter the moment I called him the wrong name. I imagine his pain, I almost feel it.

Inuyasha holds me close, stroking my hair out of the way. I can barely look at him, his eyes make my soul shatter.

He kisses my forehead, trying to coax me out of the shell I have created for myself. I don't want to be kissed or coddled, I want to run away.

That night, I retreat into myself and I pretend someone else is with me. The same silver but different eyes.

That night, when he fumbles with my obi I pretend he's someone else. That night, when he hesitates I pretend he is someone else. That night when he is nothing but chaste, I make him look into my eyes.

That night I feel my heart dissolve.

I have resolved that I can't do this. I feel for him too much.

That night, when Inuyasha is asleep I run away.

No one looks for me. Not Sango, nor Inuyasha come for me. I am free.

This is what Kikyo must have felt as she passed from this world to the next. I no longer have any earthly obligations. I no longer have any responsibilities. I no longer have a purpose.

I follow my invisible string that I send out ahead of me and I allow it to search for an energy I miss.

I spend the winter passing through villages, purifying demons and making acquaintances.

"Are you the priestess who vanquished Naraku!?" Shocked eyes meet with mine and I give a chaste smile. This child is sick, her soul is weak. An unnamed demon is feeding on her soul and I can't do anything to save her. My spiritual powers aren't as strong as I had hoped.

I help bury the child and bless the ground.

My shell of a body is tired, what's left of my soul is weary. I am alone.

That's when I feel it, the edge of my string catches onto something familiar. A calmness I haven't felt since winter. I feel something rush through my body like an aching adrenaline. My shattered heart aches for the first time in eons.

Following the tug, I am careful. I feel the pieces start to come back together, this hopefulness is something I am not used to.

I wind my way through the village carefully, listening to the whisper of energy call to me. It's like he wants to be found.

At the edge of a small pond outside the village I see him. He stands with his back to me, staring at the placid water. I watch as a single crane touches a single foot against the glass like water.

He turns, no doubt hearing me approach. I wrap my arms around him, pulling his body in as close as I possibly can, breathing him in. Letting out a sigh I begin to cry.

"I'm so sorry…" I apologize, for everything, for calling him Inuyasha, for being too broken and sick.

"You needed time to heal" His voice is soft and gentle, his hands are kind. He places a hand on my cheek, forcing me to look at him. I can see in his eyes that this kindness is meant for me.

 _You needed time to heal too…_

The thought brushes against my consciousness carefully. He needed time to mourn his unrequited love as much as I did. In the time that we spent together he opened wounds I never got to feel properly.

I kiss him. I've been waiting for this kiss. This kiss that is meant for me and only me. He takes my hand gently, carefully, and we watch as the crane floats through the pond, sending small ripples to the edges.


End file.
